“Because I said so!”

Remember that? My parents said it with no shame. Clean your room. Do the dishes. Finish your homework. Get off the phone. Sit down. Be quiet. Turn off the TV. Why? “Because I said so!”

I grew up thinking I would never say “Because I said so!” to my kids. Then, after I became a parent, I modified that stance to something like I will say ”Because I said so!”, but not often, saving it for extreme circumstances, because if it’s overused it will lose its power anyway.

entitled kids know how to advocate for themselves. the girl is a pro

But I have to tell you, I find myself wanting to say “Because I said so!” to my children all the time lately. Or sometimes, “Just do it because I said so!” Or the even more frustrated and extreme ”Just do it because I said so and I’m the MOTHER!”

I really do believe that “Because I said so!” is best used as a tool of last resort, but sometimes it is just exhausting fielding questions from smart, entitled children who believe that their wants and opinions should hold as much weight as an adult’s and that every instruction is open to negotiation.

Take last night. The Girl was allowed to stay up a few minutes past her bedtime to watch the end of “American Idol”. Then she asked me if she could stay up a little longer to finish the last 22 pages of her book. I said no. She asked why. I explained that 9 pm was already past her bedtime and that since she had been up late the night before as well, she needed to get to sleep. She was quiet for a minute or two, before coming back with “But why” couldn’t she stay up, it will only be 10 more minutes, she’s not tired. Yada yada yada.

This seems like it goes on all day long sometimes, about wearing jackets, and eating vegetables and stopping what they want to do and doing something Sam or I have asked them to do instead.

The Chandelier Man and I often finding ourselves saying to the kids “This is not a negotiation,” and to each other “Where does this entitlement come from?”

The entitlement phenomenon certainly is not limited to our kids.  I have had requests from pint-sized dinner guests to prepare food that they liked better than what was being served and then, when I declined, had them very politely and sincerely ask me why I wouldn’t/couldn’t accommodate their request. They were seemingly oblivious to the effort that went into preparing the food and the wants/needs of the 12 other people being served.

And the question of the entitlement’s origin goes way beyond our family, to the way we as middle-class parents in America today are raising our kids, determined to shelter them from the slightest harm, organizing their activities  and always on the hunt for the best of everything–schools, extra-curricular activities, services–that we can possibly afford for them.

Sometimes though, even when I am the most frustrated with my children’s relentless queries and quests to get what they want, I am also sort of proud of them, because if they weren’t smart and inquisitive, they couldn’t possibly be so maddening. Could they?

This very issue of kids’ entitlement is discussed by journalist Malcolm Gladwell in his bestseller “Outliers: The Story of Success,” where he tells us why it is a good thing. Yep, a good thing. You know I read this with enthusiasm, and it has given be a little broader perspective on communication with my kids.

Quoting the work of University of Pennsylvania sociologist Annette Lareau, Gladwell explains that while “entitlement” has a lot of negative connotations, Lareau uses it in the best sense of the term, to mean that our children act as though they have a right to pursue their own individual preferences and to actively manage interactions in institutional settings, and that they are open to sharing information and asking for attention.

Basically, they know how to act on their own behalf to gain advantages, and this sets them up for success in environments ranging from schools and universities to their future workplaces.

They know how to be their own advocates.

And this can be maddening sometimes, when it is us the advocacy is directed towards. But if I can see just a peek of silver lining in this entitlement thing, I might hold back–some of the time– on “Because I said so!”